Reflections

So, this beach trip certainly has been a reflective time, time to sit and think about all the things i miss in the hustle and bustle of life. and today at lunch, i wasnt hungry, so my fam ate without me and i went to the beach alone. it was deserted, and foggy, and beautiful. so i started singing. song after song; all prayers. i must have sung for at least 45 minutes, nonstop. i got a couple of wierd looks from the one brave couple that passed me while beachcombing, but i didnt care. i was on the beach. i was alone, but that was ok. being on the beach, marveling at the beauty of nature, thinking about my life, and singing it was complete. there was nothing, and no one, missing. i was at home in the moment; it was incredible. so i decided to take more time to be by myself; yes its a family vacation, but its a vacation for me, too. so tonite i was on the balcony saying prayers, and i started singing the song hafeeza and alex and shidaun made up at project mona. and i suddenly had this vision of all of us, at the same time, singing that song together in all the various places that our lives have taken us. all of the youth at project mona, connected by this song and that incredible, indescribable day that i spent with those beautiful souls. and it was a whole nother perspective; it was like a kick in the butt saying look at you--youre surrounded by people who love you and who care about you all over the world, and youre lonely? and i wasnt anymore. and i donno, i just started to think about my life and about singing, and it hit me that my voice is for praise and thanksgiving, prayer and a connection to God. Sure, i use it to mess around with friends or sing in a musical, but when i sing, truly sing, its always for God. the other people listening are superfluous, completely separate from this intensely spiritual experience. and i remember people coming up to me after i sang at julie's funeral and saying thank you for my song, or i have such a beautiful voice, and i just wanted to shout "its not mine! its not me! thank god, thank the angel that helped me when i needed it" it almost seemed to cheapen what had happened. like when i really sing, im on another plain altogether, completely without words or diction or anything. the only thing meaningful is your soul, that inner part of you that flies above the clouds when i open my mouth and pray. singing is prayer. singing is rejoicing. singing is for Him. so why thank me? and mom says that my song helps other people, that i help them go there too. so im gracious and say thank you, or something like that. but inside, im just like why? its such an empty, meaningless thing to say. i guess people dont have words to express it; neither do i. when talia died, i said that i would sing for her. and truly, i do. she got me started singing, and i feel her there when i do. especially at julie's funeral. i really feel like it was talia singing then, not me. somebody said that i have the voice of an angel--i did. it was talia, my angel sister. and its been such a whirlwind with mabel and stuff that i forgot why i really sing until julie. until i reconnected with my roots, and with my wings. because when i sing, i fly. and i am so grateful to have such a gift.