Birches

So, I was assigned this basically pointless independent study assignment for Dr. K, and i hated it, until I started reading Langston Hughes. I love Langston Hughes! Last night I was reading Frost, and actually enjoying reading the poems and just thinking about them, and I got all contemplative and broody and stuff, and talked to Kevin for a while, which helped tremendously, but I dono. Its the Fast, and it has been an interesting experience. This Robert Woodruff Scholarship thing is still soaking in, it hasn't really hit me yet. Life seems so unreal lately I don't even know what to do. But talk about the Fast as a growing experience! Geez Louise! But yea, there wasnt really a point to this post, other than to procrastinate working on my essay. :-p

Reflections

So, this beach trip certainly has been a reflective time, time to sit and think about all the things i miss in the hustle and bustle of life. and today at lunch, i wasnt hungry, so my fam ate without me and i went to the beach alone. it was deserted, and foggy, and beautiful. so i started singing. song after song; all prayers. i must have sung for at least 45 minutes, nonstop. i got a couple of wierd looks from the one brave couple that passed me while beachcombing, but i didnt care. i was on the beach. i was alone, but that was ok. being on the beach, marveling at the beauty of nature, thinking about my life, and singing it was complete. there was nothing, and no one, missing. i was at home in the moment; it was incredible. so i decided to take more time to be by myself; yes its a family vacation, but its a vacation for me, too. so tonite i was on the balcony saying prayers, and i started singing the song hafeeza and alex and shidaun made up at project mona. and i suddenly had this vision of all of us, at the same time, singing that song together in all the various places that our lives have taken us. all of the youth at project mona, connected by this song and that incredible, indescribable day that i spent with those beautiful souls. and it was a whole nother perspective; it was like a kick in the butt saying look at you--youre surrounded by people who love you and who care about you all over the world, and youre lonely? and i wasnt anymore. and i donno, i just started to think about my life and about singing, and it hit me that my voice is for praise and thanksgiving, prayer and a connection to God. Sure, i use it to mess around with friends or sing in a musical, but when i sing, truly sing, its always for God. the other people listening are superfluous, completely separate from this intensely spiritual experience. and i remember people coming up to me after i sang at julie's funeral and saying thank you for my song, or i have such a beautiful voice, and i just wanted to shout "its not mine! its not me! thank god, thank the angel that helped me when i needed it" it almost seemed to cheapen what had happened. like when i really sing, im on another plain altogether, completely without words or diction or anything. the only thing meaningful is your soul, that inner part of you that flies above the clouds when i open my mouth and pray. singing is prayer. singing is rejoicing. singing is for Him. so why thank me? and mom says that my song helps other people, that i help them go there too. so im gracious and say thank you, or something like that. but inside, im just like why? its such an empty, meaningless thing to say. i guess people dont have words to express it; neither do i. when talia died, i said that i would sing for her. and truly, i do. she got me started singing, and i feel her there when i do. especially at julie's funeral. i really feel like it was talia singing then, not me. somebody said that i have the voice of an angel--i did. it was talia, my angel sister. and its been such a whirlwind with mabel and stuff that i forgot why i really sing until julie. until i reconnected with my roots, and with my wings. because when i sing, i fly. and i am so grateful to have such a gift.

things i don't want to forget

so my mother made a list of all the things she didnt want to forget about the beach, so here's mine:
the outraged and very confused look on the gulls faces when they were pushed sideways by the wind while in flight
the stars on the beach that reminded me of the dead sea, and our laser flashlight
my family cooking together in the kitchen as (thankfully) i am exempt, but still present
my sis and i going to get moes and watching the prince and me
the bottle of glitter spilled on the sand by countless waves pulverizing countless shells and oysters and rocks
the peaceful feeling that permeates the sandbar at low tide
the feeling of being completely alone in the vast universe, awed by the majesty and vastness of the ocean
mom's amphitheater, aaron copeland, and the intracoastal waterway
the golf ball
realizing that for once, at least in the recent past, i had nothing to do, nowhere to go, that i didn't want to/have to/need to.
taking pictures
just being able to think, to heal, and to be quiet and listen to my inner turmoil.
to know that i dont have to feel anything else but what im feeling at that moment
and to know that stepping on mountain ranges, lakes, seas, and ribbons in the ocean is highly overrated (they have a tendency to dig into one's feet), but that time with my father watching the ribbons of sunshine cascade into the ocean is not.
and to come to terms that its just me, that no one defines me, or watches me, or influences me. right now, for this week, its just me.
i can let go of marilyn, of the influence that i let her have over me, and be my own best friend, content to be just juliet, and that its okay to be lonely, as long as that doesn't make me compromise myself, my integrity, my passions and ideals and essence. i can be lonely, and thats ok. it sucks, but its not against the law, and i dont need to desperately reach out and fill the void in my life. its ok that its there. its normal. so let myself grieve, and feel it, and miss her. but remember that i am juliet dawn sheridan, a handmaiden of God, and that i am never truly alone.
"Oh God, befriend me in my loneliness, and accompany me in my exile." i dont know if thats the right quote, but it works. and im me, and im lonely, and im not gonna be that way forever. so this started out as a list, but then it became a reflection, and now its soulsearching. but now mom wants to do bahai stuff. joy. i can do this.

beach!

so my sister says that i should update this more often. so here goes. im at the beach, and its fabulous. im still trying to get my head around the fact that its vacation, and i dont have to worry about anything, and i dont have to do work, and i dont have to anything anytime! im so excited! :-D
so during the day i was thinking about this, and i thought of all this pretty stuff i wanted to say, and now its like 11 at night, and im watching the prince and me with my darling sister, and im drawing a complete blank. so i suppose this is gonna be a work in progress, and ill be getting better at this i hope.

Hiya!

Basically, I signed up to communicate with my favorite (only) bestest sister in the whole wide world, who is now in Ithaca New York at Cornell! How awesome is she?!? I love her so much!